Footsteps to God

Saying Goodbye...For Now.

2012-01-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I have posted on this blog. Almost a year - well, ten months.

Many people who were avid followers of my blog sent me emails asking what happened and wondering when I would post again. To be honest, I didn't know what to post about. This last year has been very trying and my writing career has been my main focus.

As many of you know, my mother had a stroke in August of 2010. This rendered her into a nursing home that was absolutely terrible. My father found a nursing home downstate that was much better for Mom, and we moved to be with her.

In December of 2010, we made the big move and settled in the Indianapolis area. I quit my teaching job and spent the next several months unemployed. (Not fun, let me tell you.) My mother slowly became accustomed to her new life, although she wasn't thrilled with being dependant on others. My father and I adjusted to our new place as well. Adjusting to the new place was tough. I spent my entire life in our old house in Hammond. All of my friends were there. All of my job connections were there. Indianapolis was not comfortable to me at all. Plus, I was lonely. But I was with my Mom, which made it all a little better.

Eventually I made friends and I found a job. In fact, I found a job in the hospitality industry, and I love it! It doesn't pay much, but I enjoy getting up each and every day to go to work. This is the first job I have had in my life that I absolutely adore. I hope to stay with this industry and grow into a new career. We'll see what the future brings.

Life suddenly changed for the entire family. We relearned what it really meant to love someone. We taught ourselves how to adapt to change. We relied on God to lead us down the right path and lead us he did. 2011 was our year of change.

In September 2011, Mom passed away. It was unexpected, but expected at the same time. Once again life changed - this time not for the better. Yet, in a time when others would have lost their faith and cursed God, I chose to rely on him for strength. I truly believe my mother is in a better place, and I hope to someday be with her again.

When I first started this blog, I needed it to help get my thoughts out about God, religion, and all the things I wasn't comfortable explaining to my family and friends. I used this blog to come to terms with my upbringing in a cult. I used it to help me decide whether God was even real. I used it to answer my questions about God and faith in general.

I learned a lot writing this blog, and I hope that someone learned from me.

I am in a very good place in my relationship with God. I am no longer scared of what the future brings. After all, God is in charge. I am no longer scared of death. Death will simply take me to where my mother is. No more panic attacks are needed. Life is to be lived to the fullest and worry will get me no where.

So, I am deciding to close my blog... for now. In the future, I may need to vent... or ask for prayers... or discuss religious topics of some sort.

But for now, I am doing good.

Thank you to everyone who has read my blog. I appreciate your support.

The Woes of Dating

2011-03-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

P.S. I will be closing the prejudice poll tomorrow and writing the first of my results blogs. If you want to vote, this is your last day.

What I Learned From Being in a Cult

2011-03-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about Paradise Recovered and its impact on me. During this blog, I discussed how a good portion of my preteen and teen years were spent as a member of a cult. It was the first time in my adult life that I admitted to my friends I was a part of a cult. Writing that blog was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe I was embarrassed? Maybe it’s because of the stigma that comes with being a former cult member. All I know was that prior to my blog on Paradise Recovered, it was a part of my life that I didn’t share with anyone other than my immediate family and a few of my best friends.

I’ve learned a lot about myself since “coming out of the cult closet”, so to speak. It has actually been a trying last few months, both spiritually and emotionally. Here are a few of the things I have learned about myself.

I never dealt with my feelings. Never. I left the cult, moved on with my life, and attempted to rebuild my belief in God. But I never dealt with my feelings. It’s very odd to watch a movie trailer and start crying. But that is exactly what I did when I saw the trailer for Paradise Recovered. It took me a while to realize that the hard feelings still cut deep. I’m angry! I lost a part of my childhood that I can’t get back. I’m hurt because I trusted these people and my parents to make good decisions for me. I’m also unbelievably sad because I know there are those still caught in the clutches.

I miss it. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? Why would I miss it? I have finally realized that it’s not the actual cult that I miss. It’s the closeness to others ; the feeling of being a part of a group, that I miss the most. I also miss that feeling of being so sure about what God wanted from me.

I hate being told what to do. I can’t stand it. I don’t like to fight, but one sure way to get on my bad side, is to tell me what to do. I know it stems from being told how to live while in the cult. It is something that I have never been able to tolerate since.

My family members dealt with it differently than me. I am very lucky that all of my family left the cult. There are some that aren’t so lucky and lose contact with loved ones. It seems that they moved on much faster than I did. My parents quickly went back to their Baptist beliefs and didn’t struggle with the transition. My sister struggled for a while, but has now found a church to call home. In fact, my Dad can’t understand why it still bothers me after so many years. He thinks I should suck it up and get over it. It’s hurtful, but I know he doesn’t understand. I was at just the right age going in (12-13) where you are just beginning to learn who you are. I think that may be why it was harder on me.

I will never find a church that is perfect for me. There will always be that part of me that questions and keeps from getting too close. My guard will always be up. My best bet is to find a church I enjoy going to and hope that I eventually get over that hurdle.

I am more open-minded about religion. I am more accepting of what other people believe; whether it be Christianity or something else. I support their right to believe it. I also support the right to believe in no God. Why? Because it’s not about being right. It’s about being loved. Anytime you are “right” and they are “wrong”, you should be worried about yourself. However, whatever you believe, believe with your whole heart. If not, someone will swoop in and try to change your mind.

There is help out there. I wish I know about places like Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center back when I first left. Maybe I wouldn’t be dealing with this so many years later.

In a very odd way, I need to thank the makers of Paradise Recovered, an specifically Roland Rydstrom (my former college RD), for introducing me to the film. It is because of you that I am now healing and not just trudging through.

2010

2010-12-30T23:38:00.001-08:00

It’s officially the end of 2010, and as the year comes to a close, I like to reflect back on the ups and downs that year has brought my way.

It’s the end of a decade. Ten years ago, I was newly graduated from high school and excited to see what college would bring my way. It was before 9/11, when my sister was still single, when my mother was still able to walk, when my father was still working with the police department, and when my dog Patches was still alive. I was 18, scared of what the future would bring and still saving money to buy my first car. I was obsessed with Metallica (for whatever reason!), convinced the man of my dreams was hiding at Marian College somewhere, terribly missing my grandparents who had died the previous year, and dreaming of someday being an awesome pianist. I was naïve back then, and in a lot of ways I miss that. So much has changed in ten years – some for the good and some for the better.

2010 definitely proved to be a year of change. Everything changed this year. Although I look back with sadness at many of the changes that were made, I also realize how much these things have caused me to grow as a person. Some of the highlights:

- I almost lost my mother this year, but by the grace of God, she pulled through. She is now in a nursing home. I have learned to appreciate each and every day I have with her. Not a day goes by that I don’t tell her how much I love her.

- We moved out of a home that has been in my family since 1963. We relocated downstate. I lost everything familiar – home, Mom at the house, friends (at least location wise), job. It was starting over – redefining what home and family was. It was, and still is, very trying.

- I finally figured out that I like teaching the younger kids (preschool), and that I really would love to be an author. It’s my true love, but I never had the confidence to give it a try until now.

- I took up drawing and painting. I’m terrible at both, but I don’t care because it’s fun.

- I like myself. Yes, I am overweight. Yes, I am nerd. I’m ok with that – ok enough to believe that there is a guy out there who might be ok with that too.

-I took up piano again, and I still love it as much as I did before.

- I believe that God is truly in charge of my life. I am grateful for all of the hardships, doubting, bad religious experiences, and miracles that have come my way. I wouldn’t where I am today without them.

The three biggest lessons I learned this year:
1. Home is not a place, but a feeling.
2. Family always comes first in all things.
3. It is never too late to find what you want to do in life.

So, here’s to 2010 – a year of change!

May I get a break next year?

Just kidding!

Happy New Year everyone!

Blog posted on "Musings of a Wannabe Writer" as well.

What is God Doing?

2010-10-24T12:50:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just don't understand God's ways. I try my best. I recite the whole "God never gives you more than you can handle" line. However, at the end of the day, it isn't uncommon for me to throw my hands in the air and say, "What are you doing up there?"

This has been a common theme on my blog. I definitely believe that God is up there leading where he says we need to go. Knowing doesn't make my faith any easier to rely on, unfortunately.

Things were going really well for my family. Our lives were looking up...but not for long. I have been absent on my blog for a while, not because I didn't have anything to write, but because I didn't known how to put it into words.

Two months ago my mother had a stroke. I have never been more scared in my life. It didn't look good, so I found myself at the hospital chapel everyday, praying for her to recover. I just wanted to hear her voice and have her home one more time. God answered my prayer. Mom went to rehab for two weeks. She regained her speech, she regained the ability to do some basic things for herself, and she was sent home.

She was home for 5 days.

Then, she contracted a disease called C. difficule. The disease itself isn't necessarily fatal, but for a Diabetic Kidney patient, it's the worst thing that could happen. We almost lost her, several times. Her kidneys failed. She had three heart attacks. She lost huge chunks of her memory for a while. She had several mini strokes. Through it all, I found myself in that same chapel I was in a few weeks earlier, but praying a completely different prayer. This time I was begging God to take her home. I just didn't want to see her suffer.

God didn't answer that prayer. I am thankful for that because I honestly don't want to lose my mother. Yet, she is in a nursing home, on dialysis, unable to get around, unable to eat most days, scared of what the future will bring. She is suffering.

And that is what makes me question God.

What is the point of allowing us to keep her if she is suffering? Every time we get a glimmer of hope for her recovery, she takes a turn for the worse. I guess I just don't understand. I wish God would simply heal her or take her home.

It is very emotionally difficult on me. I have tried very hard not to let my home life interfere with work, but lately it has become impossible. I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I wake up during the week and get ready for work, even though I would rather stay in bed and cry. I walk through the door of my classroom with a fake smile, hoping that the kids never see how sad and upset I really am. They deserve better, but I am doing what I can. I feel like I am losing everything normal and safe in my life. I gave so much to stay home and take care of my parents. Being their caretaker is what my life revolves around. What will I do with my life when that is no longer my job?

To make matters worse, I am sick now - ear infection, strep throat, and pneumonia. I tried putting off the doctor's visit for a long time. 1) I didn't have the money. 2) I couldn't afford to miss work, and 3) I was more worried about Mom. Truthfully, I should have seen my doctor weeks ago. I waited too long and now am miserable.

I am also worried about my job. It seems like home life and illness are affecting my job more than ever. I am very blessed to have people at my work that are caring and are working with me through this. Let's be honest though, they will only work with you for so long. You are hired to do a job that they NEED you for. If you can't do that, even the nicest boss will have to replace you with someone who can. I had to miss two days of work last week due to my illness. It is now Sunday afternoon. I am supposed to go back tomorrow, but I still find myself running a high fever and throwing up. I have no idea how I am going to pull it off. I will have no choice though. I have a good feeling that if I miss too many more days, they will be giving me the boot.

I have prayed so my times for guidance. It feels like God is ignoring me. All I want is peace. Why isn't God allowing that? I don't understand.

What Do You Think About Ghosts?

2010-10-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

My sister has a blog now! Check it out!

Confessions of a Crazy Lady

10 Good Things to Know

2010-07-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm borrowing this from Dell Girl because I think it's really interesting. (Check out her blog here.)

I'm totally trying Elmer's Glue thing.

10 Good Things to Know

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish

3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes

4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair

5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.

6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea

7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water

8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste

9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!

10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too

Paradise Recovered - The Impact on Me

2010-04-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

My friend Roland Rydstrom, my old Resident Director from college, is involved in the production of an independent film called, Paradise Recovered. I have been hearing about if for several months, but never put much thought into it. I supported it when necessary, cheered for good luck when it was needed, and generally kept an eye out for more information. Last week, I finally got to see the trailer for the film, and I can honestly say that it made quite an impact on me.

The film follows a young woman’s journey away from a cult and into finding the true love of God. View trailer here. (For some reason, it won't embed correctly.)

I think the reason that I was so taken by the trailer, and the film concept in general, is because I was involved in a cult when I was younger. Many people do not know this. Even more people think I am lying when I tell them. In fact, the organization I was involved with is considered a church by most people; although it is listed in many books and on many websites as a cult (More info here.).

No one can ever really understand how easy it is to get sucked in unless you experience it. It all started off very simple – we visited a church with a friend. It looked like a normal church. I mean, it had a steeple and a cross above the altar. It was a good service, so we went back. Then, my Dad decided to sign the family up for six weeks of Bible study. That’s when the sucking in officially began.

See my family was always Southern Baptist. Our beliefs centered around the fundamental basics of Christianity. Suddenly, these Bible studies were telling us our beliefs were wrong. The trinity isn’t real. There is only one God, and he is Jesus. You aren’t saved by grace. You are saved by works and by admitting Jesus is God. They constantly bashed the teaching of other mainstream Christian churches, most notably Catholics and Baptists (Ding! Ding!). We questioned it, but then they whipped out Bible verses to prove they were right. How could we argue with the Bible? (Looking back I realize that they interpreted these verse to fit their needs. Thank you theology teachers at Marian!)

After we understood their beliefs, the rules starting coming in to play. Women can’t wear pants; only dresses. Your dresses must go past your knees, your shirts must always reach four fingers from your collar bone, and your sleeves must reach your elbows. Girls must never wear jewelry, cut their hair, or wear makeup of any kind – not even chapstick. No movie theaters, no televisions, no dancing. You must only listen to Christian radio and read Christian books. You must give an offering at every service or you are a sinner. One by one, my life changed to fit these rules, and I honestly thought it was right. I didn’t even question it.

Suddenly, my entire life revolved around the church. I spent at least 4 nights a week there. Some weeks it was more. My friends that were not church members were no longer looked at as friends. They were sinners, and it was my job to bring them into the church. I would go to school every day armed with my Bible and a pack of pamphlets, ready to save the lost and wicked. After all, we were right and everyone else was wrong.

So what got me away from this church? I can’t really pinpoint a specific reason. All I know is that one day I started to question what I was doing. I was sitting at a family gathering, and instead of enjoying my time there, I found myself pointing out the people in the room who were going to Heaven. About halfway through the room, I stopped and thought, ‘Wait a minute. What am I doing? I’m not God!” Soon after, I began researching other Christian churches, and I quickly realized that no one else believed as we did. Slowly, I broke away from the church. The rest of my family followed a little later.

The entire experience completely altered my life. I think that’s the hardest part of moving on. Leaving the church was almost like losing my identity. All of the sudden, I had to figure out who I was and what I believed. No one was telling me. It was terrifying. For a while, I gave up completely on God. (I briefly spoke about this in my very first blog entry here. It was the sugar coated version, of course.) I couldn’t figure out what was right and what was wrong, so I decided he wasn’t real. Thankfully, in time I found my way back to the true God, who I have to say is a lot cooler than they taught me he was.

What people don’t realize is that even after you leave a cult, the cult never really leaves you. Ten years later, I still find myself emotionally upset by the whole thing. To this day, church makes my skin crawl. About 8 months ago, I started to attend church again. I adore my church, but I find myself scared to get involved. I don’t want to get “too close” to anyone or believe “too much” of what they teach. I question everything they believe; not in a bad way, but in a “show me proof” kind of way.

I seriously rebel against authority, which I think stems from being told what to do, wear, say, and act for so long. In fact, I once dumped a guy for telling me he liked my hair long and to never cut it. Sad, but true.

Even worse, I sometimes miss the cult. Sounds strange doesn’t it? The truth is that it’s a whole lot harder to figure out who you are on your own, than it is to have someone tell you. I just pray that God continues to lead me the right way.

So here is hoping that “Paradise Recovered” can help others like me deal with the aftermath, and to show those not involved in cults, what it’s really like.

If you would like to learn more about Paradise Recovered, visit the website at: http://www.paradiserecovered.com/

Living the Resurrected Life

2010-04-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

I love Easter. Besides Christmas, it's my favorite holiday. I love the whole celebration of Easter. I love the fact that Easter unofficially heralds in Spring. Most of all, I love the message of Easter.

As a Christian, I think it is often easy to get comfortable with the idea of Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection. We hear it so much that we sort of forget how powerful it is. My pastor preached a great sermon today that made me rethink the Easter message.

The sermon was based on 1 Corinthians 15: 17-20 (The Message version):

"If corpses can't be raised, then Christ wasn't, because he was indeed dead. And if Christ weren't raised, then all you're doing is wandering about in the dark, as lost as ever. It's even worse for those who died hoping in Christ and resurrection, because they're already in their graves. If all we get out of Christ is a little inspiration for a few short years, we're a pretty sorry lot. But the truth is that Christ has been raised up, the first in a long legacy of those who are going to leave the cemeteries."

This verse really stuck with me, especially the last line. That's the Easter message - Jesus is alive!

I'm thrilled that Jesus was born. That's why I adore Christmas. I am humbled that Jesus died on the cross for me - an unimportant nobody. But the fact that Jesus rose from the dead excites me. It thrills me in a way that nothing else does. It proves to me that life is not just about surviving the trials and tribulations we go through. Life is about working towards that ultimate goal of eternal life (our own resurrections!), however God wants us to do so.

Sometimes people get so caught up in Easter Bunnies, colored eggs, and elaborate meals that we forget the true reason we are celebrating.

We also sang this song in church today. It touched my heart, and I hope that it touches yours.

Happy Easter!

God Answers Prayer

2010-02-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my church did a 21 day fast at the beginning of the year. I ended up trying it out, since I had never really fasted before. It ended up being an interesting experience. It also ended up being difficult since I have low blood sugar and low iron. I was sick most of the fast and had to give it up about half way through. I did continue to pray, and I hope that my fellow fasters (Is that a word?) felt my support.

As stupid as it sounds, I think the biggest benefit for me was truly focusing on God for those 21 days. I made myself pray. I made myself read the Bible each day. I made myself put forth an effort. This isn't saying that I don't already do these things. I just feel that I focused more strongly.

I can honestly say that I am a different person since doing the fast. I find that I'm not as worried about life in general. I don't stress about things I can't control. I'm not worried about decisions that need to be made. I simply pray and wait for an answer or weigh my options in a more open minded way. Maybe it's because I rely more on God and less on myself? I don't know, but I do feel a difference.

Last week, one of my biggest prayers got answered. For those of you who don't know, I made a big career change this year. I'm a teacher, who is used to teaching in public school. Well, I got a little aggravated and tired of standardized testing, bad behavior being ignored, and lack of freedom in what you teach, so I decided to apply to a brand new, private day care that was hiring for a kindergarten position. It was going to be a smaller class size, a different approach to lesson planning, and I was still going to be paid salary.

I got the position, but they ended up not having enough kids to open the kindergarten class. That's how I ended up becoming a preschool teacher. To make matters worse, the salary that I was told I would get, turned into an hourly position - and I was only going to get part-time work. Needless to say, I was very upset and concerned.

I've been praying hard for God to help me with this situation. I can't live on part-time. I had to defer my student loans, and I really struggle to keep my other bills paid. However, there aren't many teaching jobs open in the middle of a school year. I decided to stick it out and hope for the best.

Well, God finally answered my prayer. I was given full-time hours this week. It's no guarantee that I will keep full-time, but at least it's a start. It's still not the job I wanted, but it's enough to live on. For that, I am grateful!

I am also very happy at this job. At first, I really hated preschool. I'm not used to kids this young at all, and I really had no idea what I was doing. Now that I have learned the ropes a bit, I realize how good I am at working with the little guys. I love it, and I enjoy getting up and going to work in the morning. I am beginning to wonder if God sent this job to me to help me fall in love with teaching again? Because that's exactly what it's doing!

One God For All Religions!

2010-01-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

I have a close friend, who I've known for years, that is a very strong atheist. Lately we have been having some interesting discussions about God. As crazy as it sounds, I'm enjoying the discussions. This is not because I like to fight with people about God. It's because I am enjoying looking for ways to research my faith and strengthen what I believe.

The other day, my friend asked me "How can God be real if so many people call him by different names, claim to have different holy books, and believe in different ways of living? I have to admit, it's a good question. It is something I've wondered about for some time.

In my opinion, all religions do serve the same God.(Note: It's an opinion. I don't really know this for sure or have facts to back it up.) I have no doubt that when a Christian prays to Jesus, a Muslim prays to Allah, or a Jehovah's Witness prays to Jehovah that we are all being heard by the one and only God. I honestly believe that he hears all prayers, no matter what you call him. (Keeping in mind that you aren't calling him Bob or something. Ha!)

As far as holy books go, I feel that the Bible is God's word. This is why I'm a Christian. I think that many people interpret the Bible too literally (Atheists have fun with this one.) or that they interpret it to mean what they want. However, it is God's word.

I'm not a stickler for different versions of the Bible. My Dad is adamant that the only true version of the Bible is the King James Version. I don't know if it really matters what version you use. I can read the KJV all day and never understand a word of what I read. I don't think it hurts to read the NIV (or whatever) in order to make it easier to comprehend. As far as the Qur'an goes. I've never read it. It could be a holy book. Who knows? But if it is, I think it would be in addition to the Bible. Not to replace the Bible.

I am not naive enough to think that my religion is 100% correct. I don't think any religion truly is. I am not going to stand up and claim that only Catholics or only Baptists (insert other religions here) are going to Heaven. The only person who knows that is God. A person's relationship with God is between them and their maker. With that being said, as a Christian, I know that Jesus is the son of God and is the only hope for salvation.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that God loves all of his children. He listens to your prayers no matter what religious organization you choose to follow. God's know your heart and whether you are sincere. Yet, he also has rules to salvation that must be followed to inherit the kingdom of God. Does that make any sense?

What are your opinions on this?

Spiritual Goals

2010-01-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

One of the things I have always thought was important is to make goals for yourself. As I said before, I am not a fan of New Years Resolutions. However, I do like to set goals.

What's the difference? The biggest problem with making a New Years Resolution is that it's expected to be broken. Let's be honest, how many of you have already broken your resolution? Probably quite a few. It's considered acceptable to break it. No one is going to be mad at the person who wanted to lose weight in January and is eating ice cream in February. Why? Because we knew they would probably never stick to it.

A goal is something you work toward. You aren't expected to be perfect at it right away. When you fail at working toward your goal, you are held accountable. Plus, it's ok to get back up and try it again. That's why I am a bigger fan of setting goals.

My Spiritual Goals for 2010:

1. Pray every day.
This may sound like an easy goal, but for me it's not. My life is so busy that it is very easy to just say, "That's ok. I'll pray tomorrow." It's not ok. God shouldn't have to be worked in around a schedule. Case in point, I usually pray right before I go to bed. I'll lay down, say my prayer, then close my eyes and go to sleep. The last few weeks I have been exceedingly tired. Last night, I laid down to pray and fell asleep right in the middle of it! I woke up this morning and thought "Oh no! I fell asleep!" I immediately apologized to God and said my prayer before getting up for the day. So, my goal is to pray every day for at least 10 minutes BEFORE getting up in the morning. This way I have no excuses later in the day for not doing it.

2. Read the Bible more.
I don't read the scriptures as much as I should. I used to read every day, but as my life has gotten busier, Bible reading took the fall. My goal is to read a chapter of the Bible every other day. Maybe as time goes on I can make it every day.

3. To give my problems to God without grouching about the outcome.
I am a control freak! I like to plan ahead and always know how, when, and why things are happening the way they are. In fact, I often get angry when I don't know the details of something. (Hint - don't ever throw a surprise party for me. I'll bite your head off! Just sayin...) God doesn't work that way. I have a really bad habit of telling God about a problem and then saying, "and here's how I'd like you to handle it." Umm... no! It just doesn't happen that way. I have no doubt that God answers my prayers. He often doesn't give me the answer I want, but he answers them. When I encounter problems this year, I want to be able to hand them over to God and say "You take care of it. I'll be happy with whatever you choose."

4. To worship more freely
I am not a touchy, feely, in your face kind of person. I'm pretty shy with those I don't know. For example, during the altar call, Pastor J likes to have the congregation hold hands and pray for each other. Every time he does, I just freak out and go "Oh no! I have to touch someone I don't know!" I have no clue why I'm this way, but I am.
I love music and singing, but I rarely do this in front of people. When I was younger, I wanted to take piano lessons desperately. I said a prayer to God and told him that if he could provide me with the lessons and materials to learn to play, that I would play in church for him. He answered my prayer. My father found a really nice old man named Mr. Kilmer Spencer, who gave me lessons for free out of the kindness of his own heart. He gave me an old keyboard, and taught me the best he could. But I never played in church. I was always too shy. I took lessons again in college. Once again, I was too shy to play in front of people. Now, I haven't played in five years. I didn't keep my end of the bargain, and eventually God closed that door for me.
My goal is to not care about what others think and finally use the talents that God gave me to glorify him. This doesn't mean that I'm going to join the worship team or anything. What it does mean is that I won't be afraid to sing my praises out loud or clap my hands. I'll grab the hand of the person next to me and pray for them even if it makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to try very hard to make a difference this year in whatever way I can.

So, these are my goals.

What are you spiritual goals for 2010?

2010

2010-01-09T19:33:00.000-08:00

It's the start of a new year. A time to make a new approach to life. A time to reconsider goals, and make new ones. A time to choose the path I want my year to take.

That of course, doesn't mean things will go that way.

One New Years Eve, I sat with my family and thought about the trials, tribulations, and successes I found in 2009. Truthfully, the end of each year always make me sad. That sounds terrible. Yet, instead of being happy about my blessings from the previous year, I always dwell on those thing that never quite worked out.

This year I thought about the failed attempt to find a full-time teaching position, the fact that I never lost the weight I wanted to, and how I never put myself out there socially like I wanted to. It was another year of financial trouble, health issues for my parents, stupid fights with my sister, and struggle - plain and simple.

I am happy to start another year, but I can't help but think that I wasted one more year of my life.

Although, I guess if I really look at things closely, it wasn't wasted. I may have spent a good 75% of 2009 dealing with panic attacks, emotional turmoil, and a loss of faith in God. However, the last 25% was spent getting myself right with God. I began praying, attending church, and relying on him to help me through those troubled moments. 2009 was the year I rededicated my life to God. I started new.

So, 2010 is not only the start of a new year. It is also the start of a new life path. A path that includes focusing more on God and less on what I want. I honestly believe that God allowed my life to take a downward spiral because he wanted to prove to me that I needed him.

I decided this year that I would not make a New Years Resolution. There's no point. I don't keep them anyway. Instead, I am going to take things a day at a time and hope that at the end of 2010 I don't look back with the same regrets and sadness that 2009 brought me.

Happy New Year everyone. (Yes, I realize that I am posting this 9 days late.)

The One Who is With You Always

2009-12-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of blog updates. Life has been crazy, so I didn't have the time to write anything.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, my sister and I had a big fight. It was over something stupid, but got blown out of proportion. She said things in anger. I said things in anger. In the end, we are not on speaking terms. (Her choice, not mine. I have forgiven her, but she is not yet ready to forgive. I guess...)

During the fight, I came to a depressing conclusion. There is NO person on Earth that will ever be there for you through good and bad. People say they will. Married couples vow that they will. However, it's very rare that it actually comes to be.

Friends come and go. Grandparents and parents try to be there for you, but you will eventually lose them through death. Siblings, cousins, and other family members love you, but I have had too many of these types of people turn their backs on me when I need them the most.

No one, no matter how great their intentions, will ever be there 100%.

I sat in my room after the big fight and realized that my parents are going to die someday. I will be all alone. My sister, if she ever speaks to me again, will never really have enough time to give three farts about me. She has her own drama. Friends are the same way. I'm not married, so I'll have no spouse to go to.

As I sat there in pity, a thought popped into my mind. I'm NOT alone! God is with me.

He is with me when I'm sad, when I'm happy, and everything in between. I may not physically see him, but I can feel him every day. God will be my strength to help me get through those rough times.

Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Interesting Experience at Church

2009-11-22T21:12:00.001-08:00

I had something really cool happen to me at church today, and I want to share it with everyone.

Being the Sunday right before Thanksgiving, it was a special service. We took Communion. We also gave our Faith Harvest Offering.

The Faith Harvest Offering is something my church does right before Thanksgiving. It's our way of saying thank you to God for all he has done for us throughout the year.

There are three rules to giving this offering:

1.) Willing Spirit
Deuteronomy 35:21
If their hearts were stirred and they desired to do so, they brought to the LORD their offerings...

2.) Generous Spirit
Proverbs 11:25
The generous prosper and are satisfied, those who refresh others themselves be refreshed.

3.) Special Treasure
1 Chronicles 29:3
And now because of my devotion to the Temple of my God, I am giving all of my own private treasures of gold and silver to help in the construction.

I was a little upset this morning about the offering. God has helped me tremendously this year. Even while being unemployed for 7 months, I had food, clothes, a roof over my head, and people that loved me. He also brought me to a place in my life that allowed me to regain my relationship with him. I wanted to say thank you . . . but I had no money. Even though I now I have a job, many bills mounted up while I wasn't working. I live paycheck to paycheck. Outside of paying tithes, there isn't any money to give.

While everyone else was giving, I bowed my head and said a silent prayer to God. I thanked him for all of the blessings he bestowed upon me this year and apologized for not having the money to give for offering.

When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to see a woman standing next to me. I had seen her in church many times, but I had never spoken to her. She handed me a $5 bill and said "God told me to give you this for your offering." Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor. The only thing I could do was say thank you.

As I walked up to the altar to put the money in the harvest basket, I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. God gave me money for my offering, and I didn't even ask for it.

$5 will never be enough to repay God for all he has done for me. Yet, I know he understands how grateful I am otherwise he wouldn't have sent me that gift.

Tonight as I get ready for bed, I am reflecting on all the times I wondered if God really heard my prayers. I got my answer today. I know he cares and listens because he answered an unspoken prayer. He fills my heart with joy and gives me the strength to face another day.

Happy Day - Kim Walker

2009-11-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

We sang this song in church today. It excited me and lifted my spirits.

So, I decided to share it with you.

Group Blog - Favorite Book of the Bible

2009-11-16T08:27:00.001-08:00

I'm starting something new. One of my Textnovel friends, Steph from Steph in the City, does a group blog every Thursday. I think this is such a great idea. It's a wonderful way of sharing your thoughts with other people.

So, I am starting Group Blog Monday. This week's topic: What is your favorite book of the Bible and why? The way this works is that you write a blog with this week's topic on your own blog. Then, you add your name and the link to your blog post in the widget.

My favorite book has to be Psalms. It's an entire book of prayers and songs to God. A lot of times I will read a Psalm and think "That's exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words to do so."

One example of this is in Psalm 116. How many times have I tried to put my love for God into words and came up short? This Psalm does it for me with such eloquence that I would have never came up with it on my own.

¹ I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

² Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

³ The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

⁴ Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

⁵ The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

⁶ The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

⁷ Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

⁸ For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

⁹ that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁰ I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

¹¹ And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

¹² How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

¹³ I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

¹⁴ I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

¹⁵ Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

¹⁶ O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant ;
you have freed me from my chains.

¹⁷ I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.

¹⁸ I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,

¹⁹ in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.

The book of Psalms is often used in music. I would say that a good 75% or more of hymns and other church songs have some kind of reference to a Psalm. It is also the most widely quoted book of the Bible . There are so many different types of Psalms: hymns of praise and worship to God; prayers of help, protection, and salvation; pleas for forgiveness; songs of thanks to God. This book speaks out the most intimate feelings of God's people.

Every time I read this book, it is like opening a present. It is so full of God's love and wisdom for us. When I find my self in my darkest hours, a prayer and a reading from the book of Psalms never fail to lift my spirits again.

So, what is your favorite book of the Bible?

Everlasting God

2009-11-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

Time to share another song.

This is one of my favorites. We sang it in church a few weeks ago, and it really lifted my spirits.

Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin

Getting Kicked in the Behind by God

2009-11-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

Anyone ever got kicked in the behind by God, and knew that's what he was doing?

Well, that happened to me the other day.

Every day I read at least two chapters of the Bible; sometimes more depending on my mood. I have no particular way of choosing what I read. My friend sent me an awesome website that summarizes the books of the Bible and the topics they cover. I usually just choose something off the list that is speaking to my heart.

The book I decided to read yesterday was 1 John. According to the website, this book deals with living in God's love, so it seemed pretty interesting to me.

Just so this makes more sense, the way I read the Bible is as follows:
a) I pray for understanding as I read
b) I read the King James version of the chapter
c) I read the chapter in another translation. Usually I use "The Message" or "Contemporary English" versions off of BibleGateway.com. Both translations are often used by my pastor when he wants to clarify something in layman's terms.
d) I pray about any concerns/questions the reading brought up.

As you know, I recently posted about fearing death/dying and about doubting God. I also talked about how I am upset that everyone else has a great life, i.e. good job, nice house, kids, spouse, money, etc., and I do not.

As I was reading, a few verses really stood out.

The first verse was 1 John 2:15-17
"Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity." (The Message version)

This made me stop and realize that all of these things I want really aren't that important. When I die, I can't take my money/job/house with me. What good is it to spend so much time worrying about it? If I really love God, as I claim to, I should be grateful for the things he is giving me.

The second was 1 John 4:18
"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." (The Message version)

Now, I am not entirely sure what it means to not be fully formed in love. I'm guessing that it means your heart is not entirely given over to God. This, of course, is not good. I suppose that the fact I am so fearful puts me in this category.

I find it so funny how both of the verses directly hit on the areas of confusion I've been having. Both verses are also telling me that my heart isn't in the right place, and that I need to get my spirit right.

Like I said, God kicked me in the behind.

I love when he does that!

I am so thankful God loves me even though I mess everything up.

Fear of Death and Dying

2009-11-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but I have always had a strong fear of death and dying. Ever since I was a little girl, the idea of death makes me go into a full-fledged panic attack.

Through the years, I have tried my best to get over it. I try to avoid talking about death. I won't watch movies where people die. I used to read people's out of body and near death experiences. I studied ghosts and participated in ghost hunting activities (Not anymore! I don't mess with that!). In a way, I try to pretend that I'll live forever.

I got to thinking about this the other day (and of course, had a panic attack). As a Christian who is doing my best to follow God's way, why am I so frightened of death? Shouldn't death be a happy thing? The Bible says that if we follow Christ, we will have everlasting life. So, nothing to fear. Right?

Earlier this week, a friend actually helped me figure out what my problem appears to be. They asked the simple question "What if you are wrong, and there is no God?" To be honest, I sat kind of shocked for a minute and had no idea how to answer.

That is what my fear is all about. I would hate to think that we live this struggle filled life, only to find out that there is no reward. For a while, I was borderline atheist (more agnostic, I guess). I honestly didn't think that God was real

After studying and looking at the world, I really do believe that God is real. That Jesus did die for my sins, and he wasn't just some crazy guy sprouting stories. I look at the things science claim are true and realize that there are a lot of things they don't give answers to.

The Big Bang theory they believe so strongly in. It happened. What caused it? They can't answer. But I can. God caused it. It makes more sense than just throwing your arms up and saying nothing created something.

Yet a part of me still questions... and I don't know why.

The idea of Heaven is kind of troubling for me too. I want to go there, but I often wonder what it will really be like. Will it be like here on Earth where we have jobs to do and people to love? Or are we just meaninglessly floating around all the time for all eternity? I'm a planner, and this is something I just can't plan.

I am scared that my indecision and questioning is going to harm my salvation. Can God really love me if I am scared he doesn't exist? My fear of the unknown I think is hindering me really getting close to God.

I prayed last night for God to make himself real to me. I don't even know if he will answer a prayer like that, but I don't know how else to approach it.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?

Coveting?

2009-11-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

I was watching a rerun of "Touched By An Angel" earlier. I love watching the reruns of this show. I was a fan of it when I was a child, but it seems that the message of each episode really makes more sense now that I'm older.

Tonight's episode was the one where Charlotte Church guest starred. Monica (one of the angels) goes through a bout of jealousy. She wants to be able to sing like Charlotte's character and becomes angry at God for not giving her a beautiful singing voice. Later in the show, in Monica's big end of the show speech she does, she comes to the conclusion "You can't have what isn't yours."

I got to thinking about all of the things I wish I could have. I too have been angry at God because of not getting what I think should belong to me. The episode hit home more so that I wanted it to. It also made me realize that I covet what others have.

That's not good! I'm actually breaking a Commandment.

So, it looks like I have some more soul searching and praying to do.

Isn't it funny how God puts you in your place when you least expect it? Sometimes it will come through in a song, a tv show, or a Bible verse that pops out and hits you in the face. No matter how it happens, God always find a way to make you pay attention. I love that!

I often find myself going"Okay! I get it now!"

Awesome!

Basics of Life

2009-11-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

I have loved this song since I was 13 and we sang it in Youth Camp Choir.

It's from the early 90's.

Basics of Life by 4Him:

I Figured It Out!

2009-11-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

This past week, I have once again been struggling with my faith. I've been praying and wondering "Are you really hearing me? Do you really care?" I often wonder why my prayers always seem to never get answered or when they do, why it's never what I was expecting it to be.

To be honest, I almost didn't go to church today. My week was so horrendously bad that I couldn't think of one reason to get up and go. Yet, at the last minute I felt bad about my attitude, threw on something that didn't smell, and snuck into church just as the service was starting.

I'm really glad I went. My pastor preached about how to prepare for God's harvest. One of the things he said was that sometimes we don't receive blessings from God because there is something in our spirit that is holding us back from truly giving our all to him.

That's when I finally figured it out.

I'm angry with God.

And I feel horrible about it, but I really have no clue how to fix it. I look at my life - how my family is struggling, how my parents' health is declining, how we are sinking financially, how my job really stinks, how I am not happy personally, how I am tired of being single and want a family of my own, how I don't feel fulfilled... I can't help but think "What are you doing up there?"

I shouldn't be angry! I should be grateful that we have a roof over our head, that there is food on the table, that the bills are paid for one more month, that my parents are still with me after all of their health problems, and how when we really need something it somehow ends up coming our way.

And yet I'm still angry. It makes no sense.

I also realize that I don't forgive myself. I hate myself for the mistakes I made in the past. I mean I really messed up! The worst part is that I knew better. I was raised in church. I also hate myself for being angry at God.

Can God forgive you when you can't forgive yourself?

So, in church today I asked that God forgive me for being angry and for him to help me find some sort of understanding. The first thing I'm going to work on is changing my attitude. I need to accept the path that God is taking my life on. I may not understand it, but He does. I guess when I'm asking "What are you doing?", God is probably saying "Hello! Look at all your blessings!" Today, I'm letting go of my anger.

I still don't know how to forgive myself, but I'm going to work on that too.

The Colors of Fall

2009-10-29T21:32:00.001-07:00

I love the Fall. It's my favorite season. I enjoy watching the leaves change color and the harvest come in. As I was driving home from my sister's house a few weeks ago, I was in awe of the beauty I saw while driving. So, I snapped this picture.

Isn't it amazing how God put such beautiful things on Earth for us? He loved us so much that not only did he create us, give us a planet to live on, and provide all we would need to survive, but he also gave us beauty to enjoy each and every day. It is a true testament of his love for us.

I think my pastor's wife said it best last Sunday. She said that Fall is God showing off. I can totally see it. I don't think I would ever be happy living someplace like California or Texas. I'll stay in Indiana where we have four distinct seasons.

Why U2 is a Christian Band

2009-10-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am a huge fan of the band U2. Most people who know me well are aware of that. Besides really enjoying the music, I also like how the band is very conscientious of the world and how to help those less fortunate.

Many people don't know this, but U2 is actually a rock band that has very strong Christian roots. The band is from Ireland which is famously know as having much religious strife. The country has been in-fighting over religion for many, many years. Bono, the lead singer of U2, witnessed the fight first hand. He grew up as the child of a Catholic father and Protestant mother when it was unheard of for such a thing to happen. He grew up questioning the institution of religion, but with a strong faith in God.

Sometime after the band was formed, the band (except for Adam Clayton. Although, it is rumored that he has become a Christian in recent years.) became born-again Christians. They joined the Shalom Christian Fellowship in Dublin which is a branch of the Assemblies of God.

Through the 80's, the band's songs were very strongly religiously toned. In the 90's, they became more mainstream rock. However, as the 2000's hit U2 once again went back to their Christian roots.

Songs that I find interesting:

Magnificent - Bono's song of praise to God about the gift of music and singing.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - About Bono's confusion with organized religion. I can relate to this because I was similarly confused for a while. My favorite line -
"You broke the bonds
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believe it
But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

40 - which is based on Psalm 40 (The phrase "how long to sing this song" comes from Psalm 6).

I also love Grace, Gloria, Yahweh, and Until the End of the World. The list goes on and on. I can probably name at least 20 U2 songs that are God based. (FYI - Until the End of the World is written from Judas' point of view about how he betrayed Jesus. Very interesting.)

Bono is well-known for quoting scripture in his songs. The wesbite @u2 has a great section on Bible reference in U2 lyrics. It makes a great read.

I'm not saying that U2 is the best example of Christianity and Godly living. What I am saying is that I admire them for sharing their faith in a business that usually doesn't do so. Good for them!

I Won An Award! And I'm Passing It On to Others...

2009-10-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

I won the HONEST SCRAP award from Current Events and Bible Prophecy. Yay! I actually got an award. LOL!

Here are the rules:

1) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged me.

2) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

3) Share "10 Honest Things" about myself.

Here are "10 Honest Things" about myself:

1. I love breakfast food, especially pancakes.

2. I'm a neat freak.

3. I can play the piano, but haven't done so in a few years.

4. I know how to do needlepoint and cross stitch. Shhhh....

5. I live in the house I grew up in.

6. I despise fish of all kind. It tastes nasty.

7. I'm a major bookworm.

8. I'm very shy when I first meet people.

9. I enjoy artsy, fartsy stuff like museums, art galleries, etc.

10. I am fascinated with Ireland and want to visit there some day.

Here are the 7 blogs I am passing the award to:

From the Eyes of My Heart

Made to Worship

Meandering Through the Forest

Have fun!

Jesus is God, God is Jesus? Huh?

2009-10-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

I need you Bible scholars to help me out.

For some reason, I am really confused about the whole Trinity thing. I believe it's because I was raised with two different view points. When I was little, my parents went to a Baptist church, which was Trinitarian (Father, Son, Holy Spirit = 3 in 1.) As a teenager, I went to a United Pentecostal church, which believe Jesus only (No Trinity.). Now, I am attending an Assembly of God, which is also Trinitarian.

Now, I know that Jesus is the son of God. I believe with all my heart that he died on the cross for me and bore all my sins. What I'm confused about is kind of stupid really.

Is Jesus God? Like when you pray, should you pray to God or Jesus? Or does it matter because both are one in the same?

When I repented (the first time, as a child), I prayed to God. Did I do it wrong? Was I supposed to ask Jesus?

However, I recall Jesus saying in one of the Gospels about how he will sit on the right hand of his father (aka God). So, are they really separate?

The Holy Spirit doesn't confuse me much. I look at it as being the spirit of God that lives inside of each of us. The "new" spirit that replaces our old when we repent and are baptized.

Which brings up another question: Does it matter which scripture you are Baptized under? I was baptized under Acts 2:38 (in Jesus name...). Should I have been baptized under Matthew 28:19 (Father, Son, Holy Spirit)? Or does it not really matter?

I'm so confused!! The whole three in one thing is hard for me to grasp.

Stranger Series

2009-10-23T18:14:00.001-07:00

I was up late a few days ago. For some reason I couldn't sleep. As I was flipping through stations, I stopped on a movie playing on TBN. I never watch TBN. In fact, I often have made fun of this station in the past. My friend and I had a drinking game (Ok, not drinking. We used M&M's.) for many of the shows. We would pop an M&M every time someone said Hallelujah, Praise God, or asked for donations. It's really bad, I know, but I have personal issues with TV evangelists.

Long story short, I stopped on a movie. It was called Another Perfect Stranger. Basically it's about a teenage girl questioning her belief in God. She doesn't think she believes anymore. While traveling, she sits next to a man on the airplane and they begin discussing God and religion. By the end of the movie, the girl has decided to give God a chance and the audience realizes that the man she was talking to all along is actually Jesus.

I know it sounds kind of goofy, but the movie was actually very good. The actors aren't going to get awards for best acting or anything. However, the message behind the movie is great.

After looking up more info, I found out that there is an entire series of "Stranger" movies. They are based on the books by David Gregory.

The first movie is called "The Perfect Stranger." The sequel is "Another Perfect Stranger." Apparently the movie got a good reception because they then came out with a seven part mini serial called "Stranger" which is about Jesus showing up in the lives of every day people. He comes as everything from a guy walking his dog in the park to a customer at a restaurant.

I find the series interesting because it brings to mind the question: What would I do if I could talk to Jesus today? I don't know if God actually comes down and pops in and out of our lives physically, but it makes me question I treat strangers each day. Isn't there a Bible verse about angels, God, or someone coming down to test us in human form? Maybe I'm imagining things.

If I did have the chance to talk to Jesus, I'm not sure I would do much actual talking. I would be much too busy crying and hugging the guy to death to say anything important. It seems so funny because I have so many questions. Realistically though, I think emotion would take me over.

How do you think you would react?

P.S. You can watch all the movies and serials on youtube. Shhh... don't tell anyone. LOL!

What Faith Can Do

2009-10-22T21:48:00.001-07:00

Time to share another song. I heard this on the radio the other day, and it immediately caught my attention. It's amazing what can happen if you put your faith in God.

The song is "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless.

Prayers for My Mother

2009-10-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. Things have been crazy my way.

When it rains, it apparently pours! First of all, my Dad is having trouble with his foot. He was born with club feet and had surgery to straighten them as a child. Now that he is older, they are starting to turn in again. One foot is infected, and he is in danger of amputation. My sister has pneumonia, and both of her kids are also sick with very high fevers. I've been sick for about three days now with a horrible head cold. Plus, my job still stinks. I'm only working like 20 hours this week, which means I can't afford to go to the doctor.

To make matters worse, my mother was rushed to the hospital earlier today. The doctors aren't sure what exactly is wrong with her. We know that her kidneys are still failing, so the low kidney levels aren't a surprise. Now they think there is something wrong with her heart and that she has a blood clot in her lung. I am a very strong person. I can usually handle a lot. However, I'm not entirely sure I can handle losing my mother right now.

The thing that worries me the most about this is that her relationship with God is not where it should be. She blames God for her Diabetes and all of the pain she has went through. In fact, about two days ago she told me that she's not sure there is a God, and if there is, she wants nothing to do with him or his supposed blessings.

I am worried about her salvation. My mother used to be so strong in her faith. I can understand her frustration with her disease, but I am also very angry at her. Why didn't she take care of herself? Lose weight? Watch her blood sugar? She is angry with God, but in reality, she brought this on herself.

God helps those who help themselves.

I don't know what to do for her except pray. I've asked God to help me find the right words to say or to send her a sign of some sort. I don't know what else to do. I am so scared that she will die before fixing things with God. It terrifies me.

Questioning God's Plan for Your Life

2009-10-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

Questioning God about his plan for your life is probably not a good thing, but I am sure we all do it.

Lately I have been really struggling with the life I live. The biggest problem is that I wonder why things aren't going the way that I want them to.

You see, I'm 27 years old. I am not married. I have no children. I'm severely overweight (a walking heart attack.). My job is horrible - in pay, not people. I'm glad I have a job, but I don't make enough to live on my own. My friends live far away. I haven't had a date in two years. Plus, I live with my parents.

Living with my parents bothers me more than it should. The original decision to live with my parents was due to necessity. They are both disabled and need help. When I first decided to stay, I thought it would only be for a few years. We had plans to sell the house, move closer to my sister, and find assisted living if need be. It didn't work out that way. My parents' health got worse. My father's heart disease is now much more severe. My mother is Diabetic, in a wheelchair, blind in one eye, and her kidneys are beginning to fail.

I have since had opportunities to live on my own, but every time they come up there's the question "Who will take care of Mom and Dad?" It feels almost like my life is on hold.

Everything I do in my life, from when I go shopping to what time I go to bed, revolves around my parents. I have to worry about doctors appointments, medicine, eye drops, cooking, cleaning, and everything else. It gets very overwhelming. I tried telling my parents about my feelings, but all they did was get offended. They claimed that they are burdens to me, and that I don't love them. It's not that. I'm just overwhelmed. Period!

I feel horrible about feeling that way. I love my parents and I want them to live forever. Yet, I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn to grow up. My biggest fear is that I will spend so much time taking care of them, that I will forget about myself. I have visions of my life 20 years from now, when I'm 47. My parents will be gone, and I will be alone.

I am often angry with my sister even though none of this is her fault. I question 'Why am I the one stuck with this? Why can't I get any help?" I realize that she is married and has a life of her own. It makes me jealous, especially when she complains about a life that I would give anything to have.

Although it isn't right, I often question why God is allowing my life to stink so badly. Everyone tells me that he has a plan for me. Well, I'd really like to know what it is? I feel like I have no purpose. I'm pretty sure that the profession I chose for myself is not what I am called to do. It doesn't make me happy or fulfilled. I have prayed for guidance in this, but no answers seem to have come. Either that or I'm not listening hard enough.

It's hard for me to understand. I can't help but think that if God's big plan for me is to be alone for the rest of my life, then I don't want it. Yet, I don't want to die either because there IS so much I want to do.

I am trying to figure it all out. I pray that he will help me determine what it is he's wanting me to do. I wonder if the reason doors keep shutting is because I'm not where he wants me?

Has anyone else ever wondered about the path their life is taking?

Tithing is a Good Thing? I'm Shocked!

2009-10-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, Pastor J talked about tithing. He first talked about it during the weekend classes I took, and once again during the Sunday sermon. According to him, tithing is God's way of testing us, and that when we tithe we can finally begin to receive God's full blessings.

Now usually when a minister starts talking about money, I shut them off like their spewing lies straight from the mouth of Hell. LOL! I'm broke most of the time, so money is a sore subject for me. Many of you know that I have been unemployed since March. I was hired in August for a Preschool job, but the daycare center didn't pass the state inspection. So, I was back to square one.

Long story short, after hearing the talks about tithing I thought "Why not give it a try?" I only had about $100 in my checking account, but I went ahead and gave $10 (my 10%).

I was home for maybe an hour when I got a call from the daycare center. We passed the second state inspection and open for business October 19.

As soon as I got off the phone, I looked up at the sky and said, "Wow! That was fast!"

Apparently tithing does work. Who knew?

10 Reasons to Pick Up Your Bible

2009-10-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Borrowing this from the Assembly of God Official Site. I find it very helpful and inspiring.

Reason 1. The enemy of your soul does not want you to be a person of the Word. Since our first parents in Eden, Satan has sought to destroy God’s children by questioning God’s Word. He was bold enough to tempt Jesus by misapplying the Scriptures. If Jesus found it necessary to use the Scriptures to defend himself in this world, your knowledge and application of God’s Word are more than choices; they are matters of spiritual survival.

Reason 2. The Bible is a priceless treasure. For thousands of years, God has protected this precious Book from extinction. Believers have died to protect it. Evil regimes and false religions have done everything in their power to keep you from having a copy of the Word of God. Millions of your brothers and sisters in Christ would give their last dime to have a Bible, let alone the three or four copies that many American Christians possess.

Reason 3. The Bible is your resource for absolute truth. In a day of spiritual confusion, moral relativism, and intellectual hypocrisy, you hold in your hand a direct communication from God, which gives you spiritual clarity, moral certainty and intellectual revelation. The Bible consists of more than little black letters on a page. It is a “contract” in force between God and man. Every word is true and unchanging.

Reason 4. The Bible is your manual for living. Its Author is your Creator. God knows why you exist and the best way for you to live. No matter how much money and time you spend on “self-help” books, you’re far better off getting back to your “God-help” book. God is the ultimate expert. He loves you and wants you to succeed. Ultimately, He cares about your eternal destiny.

Reason 5. As a child of God, you should keep up on all the blessings your Heavenly Father desires for all His children. God’s promises in His Word are not reserved for a few “super saints.” They are for every believer. Most Christians do not have any idea how “rich” they are in Christ. By some counts, 7,000 promises are yours. Others have found many more. Find them and claim them. The Maker of Bible promises will never die, has all the resources to fulfill every guarantee, and is not running for political office.

Reason 6. The Word of God is powerful. It is powerful for many reasons. The Bible is the Word of the eternal, omniscient, omnipotent God. Every word of man is conditional and temporal, but God has the final word. The Bible is our powerful defensive and offensive spiritual weapon (Ephesians 6:17; Hebrews 4:12). It is a word of healing and deliverance (Psalm 107:20). People who curse God or refuse to admit He created the world would be shocked to know He sustains the universe by His word of power (Hebrews 1:3).

Reason 7. The Scriptures should be your “food for thought.” The thought processes of the world have become so evil and depraved you must overcome the ideas and philosophies from darkened minds by daily planting the incorruptible seed of the Word of God in your heart (Romans 8:5-8). Everyone knows that positive thinking is better than negative thinking. Imagine how your day would brighten if you met every challenge with a divine promise and every situation with a divine truth.

Reason 8. Those who neglect the written Word of God will soon have serious questions about the living Word: Jesus Christ. The spirit of Antichrist is certainly evident and prevalent in our culture, but truth about Jesus’ past and present and future is clearly revealed in the Scriptures. Remember, we are saved through faith in Jesus and “faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God” (Romans 10:17, KJV).

When Peter stepped out of a fishing boat in a storm and walked on water, he didn’t begin to sink until he took his eyes off Jesus (Matthew 14:22-31). Believers are in serious trouble when they do not constantly read the Word, which reveals Jesus. Like Peter, those who do not keep Christ in plain view will be dragged down by the storms of life.

Reason 9. Every person has a desire to know about the future. It is amazing to what lengths people will go to see beyond the present. This innate interest feeds fortunetellers, astrologers, palm readers, clairvoyants and other charlatans. Their lack of accuracy is pathetic, yet millions continue to seek their counsel. You have in your possession the greatest Book about prophecy ever written — the Bible. “We have also a more sure word of prophecy” (2 Peter 1:19).

When people speak of the future with fear and panic, they have taken their future out of the hands of God. They have neglected the words of Jesus: “Set your troubled hearts at rest. Trust in God always; trust also in me. There are many dwelling places in my father’s house; if it were not so I should have told you; for I am going there on purpose to prepare a place for you” (John 14:1,2, NEB).

Reason 10. How would you like to hear God speak to you? How would you like to sit down and listen to the teaching of Jesus, the greatest Teacher who ever lived? You can every day by opening the pages of the Word of God. It really is a letter to you. As you read it, the Spirit of God will quicken and reveal life-giving truth to you.

Reading God’s Word should never be viewed as a laborious task or even a duty. It is a wonderful privilege to open the Book every day and receive divine insights into the nature of God, the purpose of man, and the truth about time and eternity.

The Word of God is vital if you are going to live a victorious life. I pray this letter stirs a fresh desire in your heart to know divine truth. Remember: “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word [emphasis mine] that proceedeth out of the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4, KJV).

Bible Gateway

2009-10-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever read a Bible verse and went "Huh?"

I tried reading Ecclesiastes a few days ago and found myself doing that a lot. My new Bible is a King James Version Bible. My parents, and former pastor, always hammered into my head that the only legit version of the Bible is the KJV.

Needless to say, most of the time I have no clue what I'm reading.

For example:

Ecclesiastes 2:26 (KJV) "For God giveth to a man that is good in his sight wisdom, and knowledge, and joy: but to the sinner he giveth travail, to gather and to heap up, that he may give to him that is good before God. This also is vanity and vexation of spirit."

What? What is travail and vexation? I seriously needed to look almost every word up in the dictionary.

After sharing this problem with a friend, they recommended checking out Bible Gateway. Bible Gateway is an awesome website that is a tool for reading and researching scripture online. It covers all major languages and translations of the Bible. It also has a Verse of the Day widget, Bible commentaries, audio Bibles, and much, much more.

I found a great translation of the Bible called the Contemporary English version. I don't know how correct the version is, but it's certainly a lot easier to understand.

Ecclsiates 2:26 (CEV) "If we please God, he will make us wise, understanding, and happy. But if we sin, God will make us struggle for a living, then he will give all we own to someone who pleases him. This makes no more sense than chasing the wind."

Now that makes sense.

So, now I read a chapter in the KJV and reread it in the CEV. I feel like I'm actually getting something out of the Bible.

Good deal!

Sharing Songs - Revelation Song

2009-10-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

I love this song. I heard it while shopping at Koala's Christian Bookstore in Highland last week. I went there to buy a new Bible. It's such an awesome song that it made me cry.

The original version was done by Gateway Worship (Kari Jobe). This version is by Phillips, Craig, and Dean. Enjoy!

Praying

2009-10-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone besides me who is really bad at praying? Not at remembering to pray, but at the actual prayer?

I can honestly say that I was never taught to pray. I would always just talk to God like he was a friend sitting next to me on the couch or something. No one ever told me any different. The only thing I was ever taught was that you should start and end prayer with praise to God.

So my prayer was like this:

"Hey God. Thanks for everything. Life's pretty crummy down here. Let me tell you the ways... Please help. Thanks again. Amen."

Not that uplifting of a prayer is it? I have visions of God saying, "Oh no! It's her again." and plugging his ears and humming. (I also have visions of him playing golf with the dome on the church building... but anyway.)

Last Wednesday night, I went to the Remnant. For those who don't know, it's a young adult group at church. I was really nervous about going. I'm very shy by nature, so I freak out in new situations. I walked in the building early because I'm an early bird. (Thanks Dad. Ugh!) There were like 10 people there! My first thought was "Oh God help me! They're going to talk to me."

And they did... LOL!

The group was actually very nice. There ended up being more than 10 people, which made me feel a bit better.

I'm really thankful I went. One of the things that the pastor spoke about was having a good prayer life. He actually went through the steps to praying. I was like "Yes! Finally someone is going to teach me to pray!

Now, I'm going to share his tips with you.

Steps to Praying
1. Praise (Praise God for who he is, not for what he's done.)
2. Confession (Confess the things you've done wrong.)
3. Petition (Ask for help - friends, family, finanaces.)
4. Thanksgiving (Thank God for what he has done for you.)
5. Intercession (Pray for leaders of the church, missionaries, unbelievers - the hard core stuff.)
6. Worship (I like to sing, so I usually blast my radio and go for it.)
7. Daily Devotions - Not technically part of prayer, but at some point during the day you should read the word.

After hearing these tips, I decided to try them out. My lovely (sarcasm) 5 minute, on a good day, prayer turned into a 30 minute prayer. I never thought I would accomplish 30 minutes of prayer, but I did.

Since I'm a night person, my bedtime ritual is reading a few chapters of the Bible and doing my prayer. It's a great way to end the day. My next goal is to spend time with God in the morning, but I am such a grouch when I get up. Poor God! :-)

My Relationship with God

2009-10-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a blog about my journey in rededicating my life to God. So far, it has been a trying, yet interesting journey. It is my hope that by sharing this journey with others, it can serve as a witness of the great things God can do. I also hope that it inspires others to chose to follow Jesus.

In order for others to understand where I'm at, they need to understand where I've come from.

My relationship with God and the church was pretty non-existent as a child. My parents were Baptist, but we never went to services. We would go to weddings, funerals, and other special occasions. That was about it. I can remember going to Vacation Bible School. We went for a few summers, but what I learned there I can't recall. We were the ever so famous once a year Christians.

When I was about 12, my sister began to date a young man whose family went to a United Pentecostal Church. The relationship didn't last, but the religious influence on the family did. Over the next year, one-by-one, the family became saved. We were baptized and became faithful followers of God. We attended services whenever the doors were open.

The next few years were great. I had a good relationship with God. I even began to take part in things like choir and worship singing. I was happy spiritually, but slowly things went downhill.

You see, my parents became very ill. My father had heart disease. My mother was Diabetic. They both became disabled. Suddenly, life was hard. My parents could hardly keep a roof over our head and food on the table. We lost our car, almost lost our house, and often had to rely on charity for clothes and food.

The United Pentecostal Church is unique in that it has a very strict dress code for it's followers. Women are expected to wear dresses, never cut their hair, and not wear makeup or jewelry. None of this bothered me until we became poor. When you rely on others to give you clothing, you can't always be picky and say "Sorry! I only wear skirts and dresses." I was given pants, and I had to wear them. I remember the first time I was seen by fellow church members in my pants. They were furious. I was told that if I came to church like that, I would be asked to leave.

To make matter worse, my sister and I began to be ridiculed by the youth group for our lack of money and resources. Instead of building us up, we were beat down. I decided to leave the church, became angry at God, and basically said "Forget you!"

During the next 10 years, I completely ignored God. Sure I would pray when things went really bad, but I never expected him to do much. I completely lost my faith. I even began to question if God was real. I became a borderline Atheist, and began to have panic attacks due to fear of death with no afterlife. One day after a particularly bad panic attack, I went on an angry tirade at God. I cursed him. I told him I hated him. I looked up toward the sky and said 'If you're really up there like everyone says you are, why aren't you helping me?" I'll never forget that moment. I actually heard a voice answer me (not like a person, more like a thought inside my head). It said, "Why should I? What are you doing for me?"

What a slap in the face! It completely shocked me. It also made me feel like a real jerk.

I continued to struggle with my belief in God for a little while. Was he real? or Was I just hearing voices? Is there life after death? or Is it all a big lie? I finally chose to sit down one day and pray. It was a difficult prayer. The whole time I kept wondering if I was talking to myself. However, I still poured my heart out to God. I explained how confused I was. I apologized for my earlier tirade and for being so confused. I asked God to help me figure it all out because I was tired of being so messed up. Then, the most amazing thing happened - I felt peaceful. For the first time in years, I felt at peace.

Several days later as I was driving to the post office, I passed a church that I've been passing almost every day my entire life. I like to call it the 'golf ball" church. It's actually the Hammond First Assembly of God. For some reason, I felt really drawn to it. I pulled over, snooped around a bit, and wrote down the service times. The paper was shoved under some books on my desk for next several months, seemingly forgotten.

A few months later, after some feeble praying, I asked God to help me find a place of worship. Would you believe that within hours that lost piece of paper showed up on my desk again? (Coincidence? I think not.) I took a risk and visited.

I loved it. No one cared that I had pants on. I didn't get asked a million personal questions. I wasn't forced up to the altar. It was relaxed, and I felt welcome. I've now been going to services for almost 2 months.

Am I where I should be in my relationship with God? Absolutely not. But I'm working on it. I take time out to pray every day, and I'm attempting to read the Bible (KJ version makes no sense to me. I need a different version apparently.). I continue to be confused about a lot. Somehow I really let the enemy mess up my head. I still occasionally have panic attacks. Only lately I've been trying something different. As soon as I feel one come on, I simply say, "Jesus help me!" Guess what? They go away.

I know that God believes in me, so I'm going to have faith in him. I have a long way to go, but I have no doubt that I'll get there.