What I Learned From Being in a Cult

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about Paradise Recovered and its impact on me. During this blog, I discussed how a good portion of my preteen and teen years were spent as a member of a cult. It was the first time in my adult life that I admitted to my friends I was a part of a cult. Writing that blog was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe I was embarrassed? Maybe it’s because of the stigma that comes with being a former cult member. All I know was that prior to my blog on Paradise Recovered, it was a part of my life that I didn’t share with anyone other than my immediate family and a few of my best friends.

I’ve learned a lot about myself since “coming out of the cult closet”, so to speak. It has actually been a trying last few months, both spiritually and emotionally. Here are a few of the things I have learned about myself.


I never dealt with my feelings. Never. I left the cult, moved on with my life, and attempted to rebuild my belief in God. But I never dealt with my feelings. It’s very odd to watch a movie trailer and start crying. But that is exactly what I did when I saw the trailer for Paradise Recovered. It took me a while to realize that the hard feelings still cut deep. I’m angry! I lost a part of my childhood that I can’t get back. I’m hurt because I trusted these people and my parents to make good decisions for me. I’m also unbelievably sad because I know there are those still caught in the clutches.

I miss it. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? Why would I miss it? I have finally realized that it’s not the actual cult that I miss. It’s the closeness to others ; the feeling of being a part of a group, that I miss the most. I also miss that feeling of being so sure about what God wanted from me.

I hate being told what to do. I can’t stand it. I don’t like to fight, but one sure way to get on my bad side, is to tell me what to do. I know it stems from being told how to live while in the cult. It is something that I have never been able to tolerate since.


My family members dealt with it differently than me. I am very lucky that all of my family left the cult. There are some that aren’t so lucky and lose contact with loved ones. It seems that they moved on much faster than I did. My parents quickly went back to their Baptist beliefs and didn’t struggle with the transition. My sister struggled for a while, but has now found a church to call home. In fact, my Dad can’t understand why it still bothers me after so many years. He thinks I should suck it up and get over it. It’s hurtful, but I know he doesn’t understand. I was at just the right age going in (12-13) where you are just beginning to learn who you are. I think that may be why it was harder on me.

I will never find a church that is perfect for me. There will always be that part of me that questions and keeps from getting too close. My guard will always be up. My best bet is to find a church I enjoy going to and hope that I eventually get over that hurdle.

I am more open-minded about religion. I am more accepting of what other people believe; whether it be Christianity or something else. I support their right to believe it. I also support the right to believe in no God. Why? Because it’s not about being right. It’s about being loved. Anytime you are “right” and they are “wrong”, you should be worried about yourself. However, whatever you believe, believe with your whole heart. If not, someone will swoop in and try to change your mind.

There is help out there. I wish I know about places like Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center back when I first left. Maybe I wouldn’t be dealing with this so many years later.

In a very odd way, I need to thank the makers of Paradise Recovered, an specifically Roland Rydstrom (my former college RD), for introducing me to the film. It is because of you that I am now healing and not just trudging through.