Saying Goodbye...For Now.

It's been a long time since I have posted on this blog. Almost a year - well, ten months.

Many people who were avid followers of my blog sent me emails asking what happened and wondering when I would post again. To be honest, I didn't know what to post about. This last year has been very trying and my writing career has been my main focus. 

As many of you know, my mother had a stroke in August of 2010. This rendered her into a nursing home that was absolutely terrible. My father found a nursing home downstate that was much better for Mom, and we moved to be with her. 

In December of 2010, we made the big move and settled in the Indianapolis area. I quit my teaching job and spent the next several months unemployed. (Not fun, let me tell you.) My mother slowly became accustomed to her new life, although she wasn't thrilled with being dependant on others. My father and I adjusted to our new place as well. Adjusting to the new place was tough. I spent my entire life in our old house in Hammond. All of my friends were there. All of my job connections were there. Indianapolis was not comfortable to me at all. Plus, I was lonely. But I was with my Mom, which made it all a little better.

Eventually I made friends and I found a job. In fact, I found a job in the hospitality industry, and I love it! It doesn't pay much, but I enjoy getting up each and every day to go to work. This is the first job I have had in my life that I absolutely adore. I hope to stay with this industry and grow into a new career. We'll see what the future brings.

Life suddenly changed for the entire family. We relearned what it really meant to love someone. We taught ourselves how to adapt to change. We relied on God to lead us down the right path and lead us he did. 2011 was our year of change.

In September 2011, Mom passed away. It was unexpected, but expected at the same time. Once again life changed - this time not for the better. Yet, in a time when others would have lost their faith and cursed God, I chose to rely on him for strength. I truly believe my mother is in a better place, and I hope to someday be with her again.

When I first started this blog, I needed it to help get my thoughts out about God, religion, and all the things I wasn't comfortable explaining to my family and friends. I used this blog to come to terms with my upbringing in a cult. I used it to help me decide whether God was even real. I used it to answer my questions about God and faith in general.

I learned a lot writing this blog, and I hope that someone learned from me.

I am in a very good place in my relationship with God. I am no longer scared of what the future brings. After all, God is in charge. I am no longer scared of death. Death will simply take me to where my mother is. No more panic attacks are needed. Life is to be lived to the fullest and worry will get me no where.

So, I am deciding to close my blog... for now. In the future, I may need to vent... or ask for prayers... or discuss religious topics of some sort.

But for now, I am doing good.

Thank you to everyone who has read my blog. I appreciate your support.

The Woes of Dating

P.S. I will be closing the prejudice poll tomorrow and writing the first of my results blogs. If you want to vote, this is your last day.

What I Learned From Being in a Cult

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about Paradise Recovered and its impact on me. During this blog, I discussed how a good portion of my preteen and teen years were spent as a member of a cult. It was the first time in my adult life that I admitted to my friends I was a part of a cult. Writing that blog was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe I was embarrassed? Maybe it’s because of the stigma that comes with being a former cult member. All I know was that prior to my blog on Paradise Recovered, it was a part of my life that I didn’t share with anyone other than my immediate family and a few of my best friends.

I’ve learned a lot about myself since “coming out of the cult closet”, so to speak. It has actually been a trying last few months, both spiritually and emotionally. Here are a few of the things I have learned about myself.


I never dealt with my feelings. Never. I left the cult, moved on with my life, and attempted to rebuild my belief in God. But I never dealt with my feelings. It’s very odd to watch a movie trailer and start crying. But that is exactly what I did when I saw the trailer for Paradise Recovered. It took me a while to realize that the hard feelings still cut deep. I’m angry! I lost a part of my childhood that I can’t get back. I’m hurt because I trusted these people and my parents to make good decisions for me. I’m also unbelievably sad because I know there are those still caught in the clutches.

I miss it. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? Why would I miss it? I have finally realized that it’s not the actual cult that I miss. It’s the closeness to others ; the feeling of being a part of a group, that I miss the most. I also miss that feeling of being so sure about what God wanted from me.

I hate being told what to do. I can’t stand it. I don’t like to fight, but one sure way to get on my bad side, is to tell me what to do. I know it stems from being told how to live while in the cult. It is something that I have never been able to tolerate since.


My family members dealt with it differently than me. I am very lucky that all of my family left the cult. There are some that aren’t so lucky and lose contact with loved ones. It seems that they moved on much faster than I did. My parents quickly went back to their Baptist beliefs and didn’t struggle with the transition. My sister struggled for a while, but has now found a church to call home. In fact, my Dad can’t understand why it still bothers me after so many years. He thinks I should suck it up and get over it. It’s hurtful, but I know he doesn’t understand. I was at just the right age going in (12-13) where you are just beginning to learn who you are. I think that may be why it was harder on me.

I will never find a church that is perfect for me. There will always be that part of me that questions and keeps from getting too close. My guard will always be up. My best bet is to find a church I enjoy going to and hope that I eventually get over that hurdle.

I am more open-minded about religion. I am more accepting of what other people believe; whether it be Christianity or something else. I support their right to believe it. I also support the right to believe in no God. Why? Because it’s not about being right. It’s about being loved. Anytime you are “right” and they are “wrong”, you should be worried about yourself. However, whatever you believe, believe with your whole heart. If not, someone will swoop in and try to change your mind.

There is help out there. I wish I know about places like Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center back when I first left. Maybe I wouldn’t be dealing with this so many years later.

In a very odd way, I need to thank the makers of Paradise Recovered, an specifically Roland Rydstrom (my former college RD), for introducing me to the film. It is because of you that I am now healing and not just trudging through.

2010

It’s officially the end of 2010, and as the year comes to a close, I like to reflect back on the ups and downs that year has brought my way.

It’s the end of a decade. Ten years ago, I was newly graduated from high school and excited to see what college would bring my way. It was before 9/11, when my sister was still single, when my mother was still able to walk, when my father was still working with the police department, and when my dog Patches was still alive. I was 18, scared of what the future would bring and still saving money to buy my first car. I was obsessed with Metallica (for whatever reason!), convinced the man of my dreams was hiding at Marian College somewhere, terribly missing my grandparents who had died the previous year, and dreaming of someday being an awesome pianist. I was naïve back then, and in a lot of ways I miss that. So much has changed in ten years – some for the good and some for the better.

2010 definitely proved to be a year of change. Everything changed this year. Although I look back with sadness at many of the changes that were made, I also realize how much these things have caused me to grow as a person. Some of the highlights:

- I almost lost my mother this year, but by the grace of God, she pulled through. She is now in a nursing home. I have learned to appreciate each and every day I have with her. Not a day goes by that I don’t tell her how much I love her.

- We moved out of a home that has been in my family since 1963. We relocated downstate. I lost everything familiar – home, Mom at the house, friends (at least location wise), job. It was starting over – redefining what home and family was. It was, and still is, very trying.

- I finally figured out that I like teaching the younger kids (preschool), and that I really would love to be an author. It’s my true love, but I never had the confidence to give it a try until now.

- I took up drawing and painting. I’m terrible at both, but I don’t care because it’s fun.

- I like myself. Yes, I am overweight. Yes, I am nerd. I’m ok with that – ok enough to believe that there is a guy out there who might be ok with that too.

-I took up piano again, and I still love it as much as I did before.

- I believe that God is truly in charge of my life. I am grateful for all of the hardships, doubting, bad religious experiences, and miracles that have come my way. I wouldn’t where I am today without them.

The three biggest lessons I learned this year:
1. Home is not a place, but a feeling.
2. Family always comes first in all things.
3. It is never too late to find what you want to do in life.

So, here’s to 2010 – a year of change!

May I get a break next year?

Just kidding!

Happy New Year everyone!



Blog posted on "Musings of a Wannabe Writer" as well.

What is God Doing?

Sometimes I just don't understand God's ways. I try my best. I recite the whole "God never gives you more than you can handle" line. However, at the end of the day, it isn't uncommon for me to throw my hands in the air and say, "What are you doing up there?"

This has been a common theme on my blog. I definitely believe that God is up there leading where he says we need to go. Knowing doesn't make my faith any easier to rely on, unfortunately.

Things were going really well for my family. Our lives were looking up...but not for long. I have been absent on my blog for a while, not because I didn't have anything to write, but because I didn't known how to put it into words.

Two months ago my mother had a stroke. I have never been more scared in my life. It didn't look good, so I found myself at the hospital chapel everyday, praying for her to recover. I just wanted to hear her voice and have her home one more time. God answered my prayer. Mom went to rehab for two weeks. She regained her speech, she regained the ability to do some basic things for herself, and she was sent home.

She was home for 5 days.

Then, she contracted a disease called C. difficule. The disease itself isn't necessarily fatal, but for a Diabetic Kidney patient, it's the worst thing that could happen. We almost lost her, several times. Her kidneys failed. She had three heart attacks. She lost huge chunks of her memory for a while. She had several mini strokes. Through it all, I found myself in that same chapel I was in a few weeks earlier, but praying a completely different prayer. This time I was begging God to take her home. I just didn't want to see her suffer.

God didn't answer that prayer. I am thankful for that because I honestly don't want to lose my mother. Yet, she is in a nursing home, on dialysis, unable to get around, unable to eat most days, scared of what the future will bring. She is suffering.

And that is what makes me question God.

What is the point of allowing us to keep her if she is suffering? Every time we get a glimmer of hope for her recovery, she takes a turn for the worse. I guess I just don't understand. I wish God would simply heal her or take her home.

It is very emotionally difficult on me. I have tried very hard not to let my home life interfere with work, but lately it has become impossible. I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I wake up during the week and get ready for work, even though I would rather stay in bed and cry. I walk through the door of my classroom with a fake smile, hoping that the kids never see how sad and upset I really am. They deserve better, but I am doing what I can. I feel like I am losing everything normal and safe in my life. I gave so much to stay home and take care of my parents. Being their caretaker is what my life revolves around. What will I do with my life when that is no longer my job?

To make matters worse, I am sick now - ear infection, strep throat, and pneumonia. I tried putting off the doctor's visit for a long time. 1) I didn't have the money. 2) I couldn't afford to miss work, and 3) I was more worried about Mom. Truthfully, I should have seen my doctor weeks ago. I waited too long and now am miserable.

I am also worried about my job. It seems like home life and illness are affecting my job more than ever. I am very blessed to have people at my work that are caring and are working with me through this. Let's be honest though, they will only work with you for so long. You are hired to do a job that they NEED you for. If you can't do that, even the nicest boss will have to replace you with someone who can. I had to miss two days of work last week due to my illness. It is now Sunday afternoon. I am supposed to go back tomorrow, but I still find myself running a high fever and throwing up. I have no idea how I am going to pull it off. I will have no choice though. I have a good feeling that if I miss too many more days, they will be giving me the boot.

I have prayed so my times for guidance. It feels like God is ignoring me. All I want is peace. Why isn't God allowing that? I don't understand.

What Do You Think About Ghosts?

My sister has a blog now! Check it out!

Confessions of a Crazy Lady

10 Good Things to Know

I'm borrowing this from Dell Girl because I think it's really interesting. (Check out her blog here.)

I'm totally trying Elmer's Glue thing.


10 Good Things to Know

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish

3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes

4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair

5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.

6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea

7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water

8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste

9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!

10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too